When the "After" Becomes the "Before" and it's okay

In 2008 I started what I thought would be my last attempt at losing weight.

I did it.

I lost over 200 pounds. 

I reached my goal weight in June 2011.

157 pounds.

But I'm not smiling in this photo. I had to go back through the comments I wrote about this photo on Facebook:

"I Still have some tweaking and toning to do."

Why couldn't I have been happy with how far I had come?

I started off here, give or take a few pounds. 

And now I feel like I am back there again. 

Maybe not quite where I was back in the beginning, but certainly no where near where I was in the after. Because this time I'm smiling Cool

I'm OK! I'm happy. I love my job, I love my family, I love my friends. 

Throughout this 6 year journey I have learned so much.

1. I LOVE TO EXERCISE. Throughout this journey I have NEVER stopped working out. Sure, the type of exercise I have done has changed, but exercise itself..no. That's been ongoing. 

2. I HAVE ISSUES WITH FOOD. Serious issues. I always knew this, but I thought I beat those demons, which is why I stopped going to Weight Watchers. I kept that goal weight of 157 pounds (+-4 pounds) until April 2013. And then I stopped going to meetings, and I started to notice the tick-up on the scale. I didn't think my diet had really changed, so I contributed it to building muscle since I had started CrossFit just a month or so earlier. 

3. I NEED TO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME. In November 2012 I quit my job as a school librarian to focus on my family. I didn't realize how lonely being home would be without having my kids around. I am an extrovert. I need people. I learned that I need to have a life for myself OUTSIDE the home, and I began my quest in 2014 to find a professional library position. 

But even though I learned these things, the scale kept ticking up. And I realized in early 2014 that I wasn't building muscle, I was adding fat. And I still kept thinking that my diet hadn't changed. 

But it MUST have. 

Could there be any other reason?

I had blood work done by my doctor.

Everything looked ok.

And then I joined Weight Watchers online and I started tracking.

It was my food. I was severely exceeding my daily points.

I kept tracking and I kept exceeding. 

I kept gaining weight.

I keep gaining weight.

And then today in my time hop, this popped up.

5 years ago TODAY, I weighed in and was down 4 pounds.

All those feelings of what it felt like when I stepped on that scale Saturday morning after Saturday morning came flooding back to me.

It was empowering. 

And it was exactly what I needed.

I'm heading back to Weight Watchers meetings tomorrow. Same meeting, same time I started at nearly 6 years ago to the DAY! 

It's sort of surreal.

But I'm going back a changed woman. 

I'm stronger, I'm smarter, I love myself more, and I DO NOT have a goal weight in mind. I just want to feel comfortable again in my own skin.

As this wonderful blog post The "After" Myth pointed out 

There is today. There is now. There is during. There is life.

And I'm smiling Cool